“Yoga is the practice of learning to tolerate the consequences of who you are.” Bhagavad Gita,
as quoted on a sign that hangs in a Kripalu stairwell

It’s 10:26pm as I write this. It’s my last night at Kripalu. Today I had a series of profound experiences that I’m not quite ready to write about. Suffice to say, I kind of can’t believe the amount that my body, mind and spirit went through in a mere 24 hours. A single day.

Put simply, this was a day of learning to come back into my body, and beginning to make peace with my busy, busy mind.  Turns out I’ve been storing a WHOLE lot in this body o’mine, and it finally decided to make itself known. Jillian, our teacher, explained that restorative yoga often triggers a release that can feel uncomfortable, even painful, until it’s fully purged from your system…something that only comes from breathing your way through repeated practice.

I can’t believe I’ve only been here for four days; it feels like I’ve traveled a greater distance than that short amount of time represents. I’ve learned so much about myself, and about the medicinal power of true relaxation – not blissing out, not escaping, not falling asleep, but waking up to what it feels like to be still with yourself when your mind, body and breath are relaxed.

Can you imagine?

I don’t know exactly how I’ll apply what I’ve learned, but I know that I’ll apply it, every day, for the rest of my life.

Now: reading (Long Quiet Highway: Waking Up in America by Natalie Goldberg), and then sleep. In the morning, a nature walk (I want to find the Ganesh statue I featured here), my last Kripalu breakfast, and a final few hours of training before heading to the airport.

I’ll miss this place.

Light breaks in the Kripalu sky

Anxious again! I think it goes like this when you’re at your edge – that point of not-quite-pain, but definite discomfort as you push your boundaries; you have ups and down, moments of finding your footing interspersed with free-falling and fear. The biggest lesson I’m learning is that to create a more relaxed Amanda, I definitely need to learn some more positive mental habits; the challenge is learning to be more positive and still feeling authentic. I’ve made a lot of progress in recent years, through therapy and meditation, but I still put so much pressure on myself to figure everything out NOW.  I’m also realizing – to my surprise – how much body awareness I lack. My teacher, Jillian, has pointed out tension I didn’t even realize I was holding.

I’m also stimulated in a way I haven’t been in a long time; I can’t remember the last time I was so hungry to learn. I want to learn about Ayurvedic medicine, about energy healing; I even want to learn more about anatomy, which is a huge shocker considering my supreme disinterest in science class growing up – and how much I dislike yoga classes that emphasize anatomy (“feel your pelvic floor”…um, no thanks). But now  I want to understand how the body fits together, so I can help people find neutral alignment and therefore truly relax.

It’s ironic, isn’t it, to have such an intense experience that centers around relaxation?

Something Jillian said on day 1 that feels very profound to me, is that providing people with boundaries helps them relax. This resonates for me on a metaphorical level, but she also meant it very literally: In restorative yoga, part of how you prop a person’s body up involves helping them feel where their body meets floor, using blankets along the outside edge of someone’s legs, or feet, or head, to help them feel tucked in and cocooned. Within this structure, body parts that have years of tension stored inside them can simply melt.

This morning, I watched a woman go from having a huge arch in her back from chronic stress…to being propped and swaddled, basically, with blankets and bolsters and towels… to lying with her back flat on the floor, only 15 minutes later. It was incredible. We all felt like we’d witnessed a miracle. She experienced so many sensations as she lay there, supported by props — muscle groups releasing that she hadn’t been able to relax for years, even fluid drainage in her head… it’s all connected.

I’m late for my afternoon session so I’ll leave you with that. Later: my first asana practice here at Kripalu, followed by my first kirtan ceremony. I’m going all-in, people!

The woods at Kripalu

Here is what I’m thinking about on day 2 of restorative yoga teacher training:

• Our bodies hold so much tension that our minds are not aware of. What would our potential be if we could release this tension?
• What a profound gift it is, to relax quietly with ourselves in a state of connectedness.
• Nature = connectedness.
• We exert so much energy hiding from ourselves – refusing to look at that which begs for our gaze.
• There is power in letting go of the need to know.
• My intuition is my power.

I’ve been carrying a lot of anxiety about this week, probably because I feel like I’m getting closer to something very important for myself, and I don’t know what it is. This morning, over breakfast, I set the following intention for myself: “Allow yourself to be healed.” I can feel my guard coming down. And somehow, as I allow myself to be more vulnerable, I feel less scared.